Read this article in TODAY when I was on my way to work. Enjoyed it lots and passed it on to my colleagues to read and "reflect"! Of course, share it with Dearie Chew-using the soft copy.
This article reminds me of what Father Joachim spoke about when we went for Engagement Encounter... Love is a decision.


DON'T BUY INTO THE FACADE OF LOVE

Thursday February 16, 2006

Frances Ong Hock Lin

MY FRIEND told me she had dropped many hints to her husband to buy
flowers for her for Valentine's Day. I suppose she believed it was the
appropriate way for him to show her that he still loves her.

When I was a teenager, I used to dream about walking down Orchard Road
with a big bunch of roses. But having once worked on Valentine's Day
delivering flowers to lovestruck young girls all over Singapore, I have
come to the conclusion that there is more to love than roses.

There was a man who ordered two bouquets: One for his mistress, and a
bigger one for his wife. I suppose he was hoping his wife would still
believe that he loved her.

Then there was this girl in America who ordered a box of chocolates for
her boyfriend in Singapore. My heart dropped when I delivered the
chocolates to his house. The dinner table was set for two, complete with
candles and flowers - but I knew that his dinner companion would not be
the girl in America.

Each February, men are reminded to show how much they love their
girlfriends or wives by buying flowers, chocolates, diamonds - and, of
course, the mandatory candlelight dinner.

How much of this expectation is shaped by advertising firms and retail
outlets?

Thirty years ago, Valentine's Day was virtually unheard of in Singapore.
Nonetheless, men and women still fell in love - and stayed in love.

Now, I sense that women in Singapore are dictating how men should love
them. And more often than not, their demands for expressions of love are
shaped by women's magazines, which inundate them with suggestions on how
to spend Valentine's Day.

It has come to a point where some men expect payment in terms of sex
after spending so much money on an attractive lady. Thus, it is no
surprise
that men often use words of love to get sex, while women use sex to get
words
of love.

This could be a factor that has contributed to the rise in divorce rates
in Singapore. Women often define love as a feeling or as an attraction,
and choose our life partners on this basis.

What happens when that feeling dies or changes, as all feelings will
over time? Do we change partners the way we do in a social dance?

Do we consistently search for the elusive high that we get each time we
fall in love with someone?

After being married for 18 years, I have come to the conclusion that
love is not a feeling; it is a decision.

There are days when I do not feel any love towards my husband, when I
want to tear his eyes out, and yes, sometimes I just want to walk out of
this
marriage.

A few years ago, I met someone who swept me off my feet. He was
different from my husband in many ways, and I thought I had fallen in love
again.
I was attracted to the feeling of being wanted, of being at the centre of
someone else's life.

I felt young again and I was tempted to walk out of my marriage. A few
of my friends supported my decision, as they felt that if there is no
spark
left in a marriage, it is all right to change one's partner.

But on closer reflection, I realised I had only fallen in lust. Irealised
that the feeling
I had would disappear with this new-found love overtime - just as the
similar feeling
I experienced when I first fell in love with my husband had eventually
faded.

What did I do with this emotion? I confessed to my husband. I knew that
he had accepted me for better or for worse - and this was one of my worst
moments.

I knew that only by coming clean would we be able to continue with this
relationship. He accepted me as I am, knowing that as a woman I could
feel for other men, yet he showed that he can trust me with my emotions.

Through this experience, both of us were reminded once again that love
is not a feeling, but a constant decision that we make. Love demands that
we choose each other constantly despite coming across alternatives.

This Valentine's Day, I chose to buy a gift for my husband. I had not
bought him a gift in a very long time as I could never find anything
suitable.

I seldom feel guilty for not buying him a gift for Christmas or for
Valentine's Day; I would never buy a gift just because some article in a
woman's magazine told me to. Neither would I buy one because my
girlfriends have bought one for their beloved.

I chose to do so because I knew the gift would bring a smile to his face
and joy to his heart. More importantly, I do not expect a gift in
return.

The writer is an educator and a mother of six.